Sunday, 29 August 2010

Society will be the death of me

Good afternoon, world.

Yesterday I finally finished reading Anna Karenina, which is one of six texts I promised to read over the summer for English. It's taken longer than it should have and has been tiresome at times, but it's a truly remarkable piece of work and I'm delighted that I chose to read it.

I chose it because for Literature next year we are focusing on the theme of 'love'. I know, I know, where can you find a book about 'love'; that's a bit specific, surely? But have no fear, the exam board have kindly narrowed it down to 'love over the past 1000 years', although I would desperately have liked to read the old testament as one of my texts just to be a meddlesome, pretentious prick. I like doing things like that, you see. Since I was 8 and read the word 'ubiquitous' in a book and from that decided to base my entire storyline of the story we were supposed to be writing in class around the idea of being able to fit that word in, it has been a particularly inherent aspect of my being. Not to mention the fact that my Year 4 teacher had to ward me away from my over reliance on the phrase 'nought but'; that is to say that I would compose sentences such as -

'The sun was nought but bright on that day'

'The football was nought but red'

So yes, I was a weird kid, in summary. But I chose Anna Karenina because I wished to focus on the idea of a love outside of society's bounds; a love that is somehow perceived 'unnatural' or is not conforming to convention. This is largely because I have already decided I wish to use Lolita, and the overriding theme in that is Humbert's love for small children. So I had to work around that, and after deciding that reading any more books about paedophilia would cause some very strange glances from my English teachers and no doubt society in general, I decided to go for the more casual idea of affairs. I could use Romeo and Juliet as one of my Shakespeare plays though; Juliet was only 13 in the play, I'll have you know. TAKE THAT, SOCIETY - one of your most beloved romance works is a vicious bout of paedophilia.

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Or, more pertinently, the translation at the beginning of my version begins -

"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

It doesn't quite roll off the tongue in the same manner, much to my frustration. So upon opening the book I was pissed off, but I recovered from this brutal bastardisation of the line I was expecting and went on with the book.

It's very much about society, which I loved. I was definitely in the mood for a huge slight against society; to which Tolstoy fulfils this ideal with great efficiency, precision and rather creates the image in my mind of a madman repeatedly stabbing an already dying man in the chest, whilst laughing. I realise that this analogy probably says more about my state of mind than the book, but fuck it - this is how I roll. *rolls*

Really the analogy should have related to a train station. I found the metaphor brilliant in the book of the parallels between the train station and a depiction of society; it was quite brilliant.

I don't really want to review the book too much on here, because I don't want to give away the whole plot. On the other hand, of course, nobody reads this thing so I can say what I want and there is nobody to disappoint or laugh at my understanding. Hmm.

BUT YES, it's about society. It's interesting, Tolstoy somehow manages to not only present society as a concept that is just as abstract as love; still within every one of us like some ingrained, inherent attribute, but also to present it as quite a literal place out of your state of mind. He also very much presents society as the disease and love as the cure, I feel. But of course the marriages as one can expect from the opening line are depicting largely hardship and the struggles or non-existence of love, so on the other hand society really gets the better of everyone.

Fuck it, I'll stop writing here. Peace out, motherfuckers.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Lord of the fucking rings.

Ladies and gentlemen, today has been a day of victory. As a child, I very much enjoyed playing Top Trumps. This might shock you, due to my inherent and overpowering coolness that you no doubt perceive now, but it is true. I especially liked Lord of the Rings Top Trumps; I remain undefeated in 2 player action with any of the LOTR decks. I love, and still love, Lord of the Rings. It was probably my favourite book in childhood and contrary to popular culture and society would expect, I even read the trilogy before I saw the final two films. This is quite an achievement considering the second film came out in 2002; when I was 8.

2002 was also the year that, naturally, the Two Towers deck came out. After playing with it for a while, and knowing the deck statistics mostly of by heart, I became confused and vaguely disillusioned with this card - The 'Beserker'.

Now this seems like any other card in the deck at first notice, if you were playing I would encourage you to use 'Ferocity - 59' which to my memory only Gandalf, Aragorn and King Theoden can surpass. (Eomer and Uglúk can match it).

I realise that this is all too cool for your brains to take in at one time. But I beg of you; bear with me. BEAR THE FUCK WITH ME. It also says that it has a Height of '5'1'. I've seen the films; it looks fairly tall in those, so this is slightly odd.


It looks even more odd when we read this and see it referred to as 'largest of the Uruk-Hai'. Now everyone (and by 'everyone', I mean everyone who within a certain coolness range; the ultimate level, naturally) knows that Uruk-Hai are taller than Orcs, and this is taller than Uruk-Hai. Hmm.


On the left is your average Orc; standing at a pitiful 5'3 - taller than the Beserker.
On the right is Uglúk, the fiercest of the Uruk-Hai, who is 5'9.

Now, bearing in mind The Beserker is supposedly taller than the average Uruk-Hai, this appears very wrong indeed.

Especially when this source backs me up, saying:

'Beserkers were larger, even more fearsome versions of the Uruk-Hai, standing about seven feet tall'

OMGWTFLMAOROFLZOMG‽ (*is slightly chuffed that the interrobang works on this site*)

So this is a clear error, right? Someone at the Top Trumps company has fucked up. Now, being the 8 year old I was, I wrote to the Top Trumps company and complained about these very, blatant, inaccuracies, naturally. I don't have the letter I wrote, but I do have the reply they sent me.



Upon receiving this reply, I remember being very angry that she had completely missed my point. (Lol at my 'enthusiasm', hah). After having the sheer insolence to misspell 'Tolkien', she then argues that The Beserker is an Orc; I know that Orcs are a small race, that's merely irrelevant. We know it's not an Orc, all you need to do is look at the card (picture at the top) to see it twice referred to as an 'Uruk-Hai'. I shouldn't really be complaining at her, it was very polite and nice of her to reply to me, though I'm sure they had a laugh around the office about an angry 8 year old writing in to complain. Like Junior Watchdog. But yes, she merely works in customer services and it was very nice of her to actually ask the marketing department, though clearly they're largely at fault and should be better informed if an 8 year old can pick up on their mistakes. I very much doubt the Tolkien Society would be that stupid, so I blame them.

So, yeah. I win basically. Fuck you, marketing department. This further enhances my position as the coolest 8 year old ever to walk the face of the earth.

I realise this whole blog-post makes me look like a supreme nerd. I'm half proud of this, and the other half of me has intentionally tried to exacerbate these 'symptoms' because I like to appear 'inversely cool'. So yeah; one last 'fuck you' to the marketing department, get your facts straight. Let this be a lesson to marketing departments everywhere - there is always an 8 year old kid waiting to trip you up on your inaccuracies BITCHES.

Lots of love, a person who never blogs any more.

TOODLEPIP, MO'FUCKERS. (*apologises for unnecessary amount of swearing in the blog post*)