2002 was also the year that, naturally, the Two Towers deck came out. After playing with it for a while, and knowing the deck statistics mostly of by heart, I became confused and vaguely disillusioned with this card - The 'Beserker'.
Now this seems like any other card in the deck at first notice, if you were playing I would encourage you to use 'Ferocity - 59' which to my memory only Gandalf, Aragorn and King Theoden can surpass. (Eomer and Uglúk can match it).
I realise that this is all too cool for your brains to take in at one time. But I beg of you; bear with me. BEAR THE FUCK WITH ME. It also says that it has a Height of '5'1'. I've seen the films; it looks fairly tall in those, so this is slightly odd.
It looks even more odd when we read this and see it referred to as 'largest of the Uruk-Hai'. Now everyone (and by 'everyone', I mean everyone who within a certain coolness range; the ultimate level, naturally) knows that Uruk-Hai are taller than Orcs, and this is taller than Uruk-Hai. Hmm.
On the left is your average Orc; standing at a pitiful 5'3 - taller than the Beserker.
On the right is Uglúk, the fiercest of the Uruk-Hai, who is 5'9.
Now, bearing in mind The Beserker is supposedly taller than the average Uruk-Hai, this appears very wrong indeed.
Especially when this source backs me up, saying:
'Beserkers were larger, even more fearsome versions of the Uruk-Hai, standing about seven feet tall'
OMGWTFLMAOROFLZOMG‽ (*is slightly chuffed that the interrobang works on this site*)
So this is a clear error, right? Someone at the Top Trumps company has fucked up. Now, being the 8 year old I was, I wrote to the Top Trumps company and complained about these very, blatant, inaccuracies, naturally. I don't have the letter I wrote, but I do have the reply they sent me.
Upon receiving this reply, I remember being very angry that she had completely missed my point. (Lol at my 'enthusiasm', hah). After having the sheer insolence to misspell 'Tolkien', she then argues that The Beserker is an Orc; I know that Orcs are a small race, that's merely irrelevant. We know it's not an Orc, all you need to do is look at the card (picture at the top) to see it twice referred to as an 'Uruk-Hai'. I shouldn't really be complaining at her, it was very polite and nice of her to reply to me, though I'm sure they had a laugh around the office about an angry 8 year old writing in to complain. Like Junior Watchdog. But yes, she merely works in customer services and it was very nice of her to actually ask the marketing department, though clearly they're largely at fault and should be better informed if an 8 year old can pick up on their mistakes. I very much doubt the Tolkien Society would be that stupid, so I blame them.
So, yeah. I win basically. Fuck you, marketing department. This further enhances my position as the coolest 8 year old ever to walk the face of the earth.
I realise this whole blog-post makes me look like a supreme nerd. I'm half proud of this, and the other half of me has intentionally tried to exacerbate these 'symptoms' because I like to appear 'inversely cool'. So yeah; one last 'fuck you' to the marketing department, get your facts straight. Let this be a lesson to marketing departments everywhere - there is always an 8 year old kid waiting to trip you up on your inaccuracies BITCHES.
Lots of love, a person who never blogs any more.
TOODLEPIP, MO'FUCKERS. (*apologises for unnecessary amount of swearing in the blog post*)
Oh, you ABSOLUTE legend. Just stumbled across this; made me laugh so much. I wish I had had half your childhood! My pedantry was confined to writing to Tesco's, complaining about a missed apostrophe on those bar things they use to separate goods at the checkout.
ReplyDeleteThis is truly awesome. Never, ever stop caring about these things.