Day Two

Day Two.

Naturally our room had no lock on the bathroom door. Which was fine. But it didn't close either. The showers were also harder to master than the kid from The Omen. Like a Ninja I was up and out of bed first, just because I knew it would take me at least 5 minutes to ensure that I wouldn't burn/freeze to death in the shower. Mastering this shower was very much like 'Nam. In the sense that many brave men had died in the past trying to do it. But largely because you just wouldn't understand the trials and tribulations that it required if you weren't there, maaann.

This day was when we would do most of the big tourist bits, like The Statue of Liberty and Ground Zero. The good news is that Alexej was on the verge of dying from jet lag and had to stay behind. It got to the point when I went to get him some paracetamol from my bag and he fell asleep on my bed. The other main trouble encountered in the morning was breakfast. Now, I am from England. When I get up in the mornings, there's nothing I like better than eating a Scone, drinking some Tea, and generally conforming to stereotypes. (I lied, I don't actually like Scones). But nonetheless, I said with a touch of pride within my middle-class English accent 'Can I have a Croissant and a cup of tea, please.' Now, firstly, don't chastise me for having a Croissant, I'm not French, it's just that all they had in the place were doughnuts, huge cookies and cakes. Secondly, I'm not sure how inept Americans are, or whether this was just some malevolent plot akin to the Boston Tea Party to deprive me of my sacred beverage, but they completely forgot my tea. They did this the next day as well. I think it's fair to say that this is easily the largest injustice that mankind has ever faced.

After I had recovered from this dreadful period by giving the woman evil looks through the window, we soon left for The Statue of Liberty. I said on many occasions, intentionally loudly, how THE STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS BUILT BY THE FRENCH, in hope that this would deny any patriotic Americans their primitive joy at staring at some woman holding a torch. Naturally, however, I was not the only one to jokingly pronounced how 'I'd tap that' with reference to the mighty fine being that Liberty is. I also heard on a few occasions 'It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be', to which naturally I had to provide my vital input of 'That's what she said :('. You'd also think that this being such a huge tourist hotspot and all, the restaurant there would be able to afford to have chairs. It didn't. I also still regret to this day not ordering a drink with that meal. If only I'd realised that they were on the right hand side as you walked past... *sigh*, still the only way to compensate for this is by listening to copious amounts of Radiohead whilst slamming my head against the desk.

There are lots of tall buildings in New York. I realised that they were going to be tall, but they really were massive. Anyhow, after the Statue of Liberty we went off to the Museum of Immigration. We used this as a rest stop, and basically sat down the entire time. We also discussed the settings on George's camera whereby it allows him to focus in on kids' faces which he dubbed 'Paedo-mode'. (No, I'm not going to spell it the American way, even if we were in America at the time).

After this, we went to Ground Zero. I should add that for his Extended Project (An AS Level Qualification where you do an Essay on whatever you want) George was doing Conspiracy Theories on 9/11. Despite being worried that he was going to say something stupid, I was more worried going through Airport security that Alexej would point to his arms and say how he 'was carrying guns'. Something I forgot to mention was how I was frisked twice at Heathrow, which is no doubt due to my raw sexual magnetism that I exuded to the extent that the Security could not resist me. Or because I beeped, whatever, one of the two. Anyway, Ground Zero was pretty shit. I know it sounds obvious to say how there is nothing there, but... there wasn't. (Ground Zero is the resting place where The Twin Towers used to be, if you don't know). It wasn't particularly interesting, anyway, sad perhaps, but we were busy entertaining ourselves with obscure attempts at 'That's what she said', most probably.

I've mentioned how Alexej was ill, but he had to stay in the Hotel for the entire day up to this point. Naturally we decided to lie and tell him we saw Matt Damon, as you would. But like a phoenix from the flames, his comeback was akin to Take That, Jesus, and Liverpool in the 2005 Champions League Final. He manned up, and got a taxi to meet us for the Sunset at the top of the Rockefeller. We didn't go to the Empire State Building, but the Rockefeller is very marginally smaller, and the second biggest in NYC, so it was all good. The views were astounding, and despite it being absolutely freezing cold at the very top, I managed to take more photos than Roman Polanski after he invites round children for casting. It really was a magnificent view, and the Sunset looked brilliant as you could see the shades of red going onto the Empire State Building.

This night, we did go to Time Square. Time Square is brilliant. I think it might be my favourite part of the trip, as we went there again the day after. You just walk around in awe of everything around you. Despite the huge moving signs, billboards et al, the most impressive thing was definitely the sign saying 'Run Forrest Run'. There was a Bubba Gump Shrimp restaurant there, and apparently these existed before the Film/Book. See, you learn something new every day. I got many pictures taken in front of this, because quite frankly it was the most awesome moment in history since I was immaculately conceived onto this earth. Unfortunately, George hasn't uploaded his NY photos yet, so I can't show you any.

All the Restaurants in Time Square were packed, so we walked all the way to the end and went just outside what was probably the Time Square 'area' to go to an empty Subway. We then spent an hour with Alexej making jokes about his 'cheesy meatballs'. I bought a shirt at Hardrock Cafe, which I wear with pride and a hint of arrogance that I've been there and nobody else around me will have. After leaving Time Square, we had to get the Subway back to the Hotel. Now I don't think I've talked about the Subways much, but we were warned of their witchcraft and treachery. I spent the entire week shit scared that I wouldn't be able to force myself on in time, and would be left alone on the platform, probably about to be mugged. But the English stereotypes prevailed, and George remarked on our keen ability to queue for the train and shuffle forward whilst letting the passengers out. We really are Gods amongst men.

But anyway, Alexej is the person who managed to lose his passport and belongings on the flight, so I found it hilarious when he couldn't manage to work the ticket system in the subway correctly. Naturally I ran over from behind the barriers and took pictures of him, as any good friend would. After arriving at the hotel, me and George went to do some elevator riding. Now, if you're not familiar with this sport, basically you just go onto the elevator, don't press any buttons, if anybody in there asks you what floor you're going to, ignore them and from then on just keep on riding until it stops. There were some great characters we met from this uber cool form of socialising with strangers:

1.) The guy who was stood the entire journey staring at us, and the women with dogs, and on getting off shuffled backwards shifting his eyes side to side. This was hilarious, so I had to shout 'COME BACK, I LOVE YOU!'

2.) The drunk Japanese tourists. They weren't very good at English, so when I asked them where they had gone to get their pizza, they said 'Tokyo'. After a little chat with these two, and one of them admitting they had 'had a few too many', the elevator stopped. Here are the flaws in this ingenious game of ours. As we were not allowed to choose a floor when they asked us, which they found strange, to our amusement, we had to pretend that their floor was the floor we wanted to go to. So we got out, walked around a little bit until they went round the corner, and got back on another elevator, for more endless journeys of fun.

3.) Those two really were the standouts, so I'm not sure who I'm going to put here, there were lots of crazy dog ladies in the hotel, anyway, probably one of them.

Oh, yes. I forgot one key thing. The 'Obama Condoms' man, who can be seen here. We saw him twice. He must make a huge amount of money from selling what are just normal condoms in amusing packaging. Naturally I bought three for $10. Money well spent, they're hilarious, and the best souvenir a man can possibly wish for.